not all who wander are lost

Lately, I have been discovering A LOT of, "this is definitely what I do not want to be doing with my life" thinking. As valuable as it is to know what does not work for oneself, I began to wonder if I was ever going to figure out what did work? I have the pieces but the puzzle still was not fitting together how I thought it should. This all came to a head last week, the night before my biology midterm. It is not easy to study genetics when you are working through a life crisis!

The past 5 years I have been diving into a state of cerebral madness, attempting to figure out my life. Often I had a new idea or I was inspired by what someone else was doing, but nothing seemed to stick. The past month this madness intensified. This was it, time to quit messing around and make a decision. I made appointments with the career counselor, created lists of career options, weighed the pros and cons of each, the length of the program, job satisfaction, salary, were these jobs location specific, etc... I contacted schools, and programs, interviewed people and read books. Pure madness I tell you!

Amongst this fury, sitting down to study for my biology midterm was nothing short of painful. When I don't know what else to do, I bake. So it began. Researching recipes and attempting to push away thoughts of "I should be studying." At that point I was too far gone to retain information on Mendel's law of assortment anyway. Beet cake it is! No sooner had I turned on the oven, the phone rang.

"Hi," a friendly voice said on the line. After the 'hellos and how do you do's,' we got to the good stuff. I expressed my distress over figuring out what to do with my life, and the response was, "I go to the school of life!" Followed by an explanation of what has worked best for them- having jobs that gave them skills they enjoyed doing and that could be applied to life. Working on vehicles, fishing, construction, etc... Hearing about this approach planted a seed. The conversation was finished by a simple, make the cake. Click.

Okay, I had two choices, study or make a cake. At that moment I decided I was going to make the cake, and I was going to do it guilt free. So I did. I spent the rest of the evening a crafting a marvellously, delicious beet cake. I was happy with the process, and the results.

Moral of the story... Following my intuition rather than tradition has been my rock. My intuition is where I find the faith that guides me. I became so consumed with the tradition, and practicality of a job, I lost my grounding. My fear of 'failure' worked itself into unexpected places where I did not want it to be. I am learning as I go along to catch these fears before they take over. I am once again humbled, being reminded I am not alone.

 

smelling the roses

The past week has been beautifully sunny and clear. The clear skies generally mean chilled mornings at the lake, but I love it nonetheless. The sun highlights the vibrant colors of fall and makes stunning a appearance on the rise. Some mornings, I cannot help bursting out in amazement, "Look how pretty it is!" My voice echos across the lake, and we keep on rowing.  

For awhile, uncertainty terrorized my thoughts about being in Victoria. Now, that I am making friends on the rowing team, talking with professionals about career options, and exploring more of the city and bike paths, I feel more settled. Finally, I stopped waking up confused and wondering where where I was. And little Jinx is taking the move well. She loves sprinting along the rafters of the studio, and finding all the new smells and curious things outside.

The first few weeks of school I was biking everywhere. I felt cool on my new bike, dodging parked cars and pedestrians. Usually by the time I arrived anywhere sweat was dripping and I was smelly. I began to notice how intent I had become on going as hard and fast as my body will allow. So focused in fact, that I failed to notice the path I was actually on, which is absolutely gorgeous. The most recent trail I have been enjoying has a tree tunnel lined traveling over a lake, by a school, homes, many pastures and farm land. With the lush vegetation, and the birds singing, it feels as though I wandered into some secret garden. Who would want to opt out on an experience like that?

When I forget to take time to smell the roses, I fail to notice the world around me as I focus so intently on a destination. If I take even just a few seconds to appreciate a moment, usually I see the beauty around me, it can be found anywhere. Plus, arriving at the destination is much more pleasant. With this in mind, I decided that while out and about, I will take time to stop and smell the roses. And the fact of the matter is, it really does work! Last night as I was on my way to the market, I turned the corner and saw the delicate, almost full moon hanging low, just above the tree line. I exclaimed out loud, "Is that for real?!" Soon enough, I may find a more graceful way of expression, but for the time being, this is how it goes.

seasons

Oh how I have a deep and profound love of fall. Today is gorgeous with the bright sun, the blue sky and the faint ripple of white clouds floating in the sky. This is an surprisingly nice day for fall in Victoria. Sitting in the cafe with the sun beating through the cracked window makes it feels like summer is back, but the world outside begs to differ. The trees are yellowing, some have turned to the vibrant fall red, and crispy leaves are beginning to litter the sidewalks and streets. Lately, as I roll out of bed for practice, the crispy air has been bone chilling and lingers throughout the day. Today is different.

Practice begins at 5:30 am. The weather varies from cold, wet, foggy, windy, or calm and clear. Just waking up so early to enter the various elements is the first challenge to overcome. Getting onto the water and getting everyone's mind and body to wake up and row is the second. Then, pushing ourselves to row harder and faster, or longer than we thought we could is the third. There are times when I feel like giving up, someone is there to encourage me to make it to the end. To keep pushing ourselves beyond what we thought we could. Together we are stronger, and we can do it.

School is plugging along and making me wonder why I agreed to the crazy thoughts that brought me here. Studying is getting easier the less I resist it. Understanding the material is opening up an exciting and curious part of my mind. And, it is really bringing my awareness to the skills that come easily to me and the ones that I struggle with. 

Not only am I pushing myself mentally, I am physically challenging myself. Joining the rowing team on a whim was an excellent decision. Realizing how incredible I feel being active and remembering that I can push myself further than I think I can go carries over into school and life.

I admire the dedicated and hardworking people that put so much of themselves into what they do. We are all so capable of being incredible, and when we open ourselves up to receiving that, our worlds change. 

novices welcome

This morning I woke up entirely aware in of every muscle in my body from the neck down. My day carried on with no real excitement. I had just finished studying when I heard the thunder crack! I could not see the rain falling outside since there are no great windows in my studio. So, I fixed my gaze on the skylight to watch the raindrops collect and roll down the window, feeling the dreariness. Barely able to stand up, I forfeited any hope I had to take a ride on the trail. No way did I think I was capable of getting my leg over the center bike bar, and riding in the rain didn’t sound all that thrilling anyway.  

After doing a few chores I decided I’d had enough of being a downer and bundled up in my rain gear and got on the bike. Aside from dodging a slug here and there, biking was literally the breath of fresh air I needed to walk out on my pity party.  Biking in the rain felt exhilarating. Maybe it was the freedom from my own mind or the warm fall air.  

I am still flying between the trapeze bars of transition. I am settled in nicely. Wednesday I saw a flyer for the college rowing team (novices welcome) so I joined (hence the sore muscles) and I have been applying for jobs, studying and learning, but that space in between the letting go of one trapeze bar to catch another is hit hard today. Dwelling in it did absolutely no good, so I decided to force my leg over the bike bar and pedal. To my surprise it was easier than I imagined.

That’s how most things seem to be going here, building things up in my mind to be bigger than they really are. When I actually do whatever it is, it is not nearly as “big or bad” as I imagine it to be. Remembering to remember this is what I’ll be working on this week! 

audra's pep talk to audra

I suppose I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with so many new things. These feelings take me back to the beginning of each move I have made over the past 10 years. College, Ecuador, Colombia, Alaska, Victoria and all of the places I bounced around in between. Then, I think of all the wonderful people I met and how much I've fallen in love with each place. I know I will do okay, it is keeping the nervous, insecure and wondering what I am doing here feelings at bay. On the other-hand, I am excited for the challenge and the possibilities. I am a grown woman AND I know I can do this. I don't need to resort to those old feelings. I am going to shift brain gears and try a different approach. Not one of fear but one of excitement and curiosity. In the meantime, I am going to try to NOT give into the temptation to buy every gluten free product I see. So, raise your glasses up and let's have a cheers to running straight into the unknown!

moving onward...

Here I am smack dab in the middle of another transition.  I took a flying leap from Alaska to Victoria, BC. Although, I landed on my feet in Victoria, my stomach feels like I am still flying through the air somewhere in between Victoria and Kasilof. 

Leaving Alaska happened in a blur. My parents came up for my last week, and helped me pack instead of panic. I get quite sentimental leaving a place that it can make it a little difficult to move on to the next location. I’ve done it enough, one would think it gets easier, but it doesn’t. Just writing about Alaska is pulling on the strings of nostalgia.

Deep breath. On to Victoria, BC. Why am I here? Good question. I am taking a step forward, in a direction.  Which direction? That is what I am here for. I figure any direction is better than being stagnant even though it was a difficult decision to leave my “dream life" in Alaska. Back to direction, I am taking pre requisites for Physiotherapy. I am trying to find a line of work that suits my interest in the human body and pays a little more than minimum wage.

I don’t have a river running through my front yard, the neighborhood moose to contend with, or a beach filled with agates waiting for me to find them as the sun sets. However, I do have designated bike lanes, free run eggs and chop shops, fruit flies and tons of locally grown organic food options. Only having been here for a week, I can already tell I will like it. Why just today I rode downtown and had to make more than a few stops to gorge on the blackberry lined bike trail.

Who knows what this adventure will bring, if I don’t succeed in what I’d hoped to do, it won’t be a failed endeavor. I will still be moving forward and onto the next direction. And more than anything I like learning and I’ll be doing that no matter what!

the raven

Tap, tap, tap. What is that sound? Knock, knock, knock. I lift my sleepy head to see Jinx frozen, peering over the edge of the loft. Tap, tap, tap. Okay, okay I’m coming. After stumbling down the ladder, I make it to the front door. Jinx leaps to the fridge, fixated on something outside. Strange, I do not see anyone at the door. Knock, knock, knock. Looking toward the noise, I see the culprit; a raven pecking at the frozen fish on my doorstep! I chuckle. Oh well, at least I am up early, thanks Mr. Raven.

All the things I hope to achieve today begin surfacing. I debate hiding under my blanket on the couch for a little nap, when my eyes shift to the sky. Wow! I grab my camera, bundle up and head to the river’s edge. The colors and texture of the sunrise were stunning and standing there in the chilly morning, with the sounds of nature took my breath away. 

Walking back to my cabin, I thought about how much I love this. I love living in my cabin, on the raging Kasilof River. Working at the café, and meeting new people has been a blast. I’ve uncomplicated my mind a bit and stopped stressing about useless things. I am learning how to not dwell on my mistakes and be so quick forget my successes. I quit setting high and unrealistic standards for myself based on what I observed other people doing. 

I love that I did not know that spruce trees, as cute and spindly as they are do not make great Christmas trees. Or that one day it is 20 below and the thought of walking outside without my parka, gloves, and boots to pre-start my car burns my skin. Then just days later snow is pouring over my boot tops, and I am sweating from shoveling two feet of snow to make way to my car because it is Christmas and I have places to be.

I love how proud I was that I did not fall on the glare ice that sits between where I park my car and my cabin door because it’s been raining for almost two weeks, and rain freezes when it falls on snow and makes ice. And then today it snowed covering up the ice and I did fall, three times, flat on my back.

I miss my family and friends, doing ski patrol on Wednesday’s, baby sitting and driving around Spokane in the '72 super beetle. I wish I could share with everyone how cute my cat is when she plays fetch or jumps to my shoulder to hang out. Or if I say, "hey dude! what’s goin' on?" she replies with a  meow. 

I wish I could bring you all into these incredible moments I experience. But that is how life is, I suppose. We each experience life, sometimes with ones we care about and sometimes we just have to suck it up, experience them and try to find ways of sharing.