when in doubt choose forward motion

The year 2010 was a year full of discovery, transformation and extraordinary personal growth. I recently returned from a 7 day retreat which provided me with the time and space for a much needed reflection. At some point during the retreat, I recalled a conversation my mother and I had last summer. While enjoying a lovely summer evening walk, she looked at me and asked, "So Audra, what are you doing?" Surprising myself with a bold response, I stated, "I am learning how to be selfish in a healthy way."

Being selfish in a healthy way for me entails going out and discovering what I love to do. Real quick let me define love in this context. Love- a verb that pulls me out of bed in the morning and sustains me through the day. It encourages day dreaming and ridiculousness, letting my heart be filled with the joy, compassion, openness, and passion of being completely and fully myself. These loves are what will keep me healthy, fulfilled and alive regardless of my city of residence; whether it is a new perspective on life, learning to be still, experiencing a fantastic new recipe, working an incredible job or reading great book.

As of now, I do not know exactly what my future holds, and I am not quite sure it is good for any of us to believe that our future is guaranteed. But as I continue on my road to a place of peace for yesterday, today and tomorrow, I look forward to the next adventure with excitement, wonder and zealous curiosity. Now, as I have recently left my 8 - 5 job, I am quite frequently asked what I am doing, or what I would like to be doing. The truth is, I do not know exactly what I am doing, even though my bucket list keeps growing bigger. The response to my mom's question stays constant and has become my reply to inquiring minds.

The truth is I do have a few ideas running through my mind which range from going to school to become a dietitian (or holistic health counselor), spending time working in Spain or Alaska, to starting a business (hummus & mountain bars), to tree planting in BC, or raft guiding on the Salmon River. All of these sound absolutely fabulous, which is the trouble. And can be a bit intimidating when I sit down and attempt to figure my life out. Luckily, just the other day I stumbled upon a phrase that stuck with me about this very subject, "When in doubt, choose forward motion." I like it and it seems quite fitting, and exactly how I would like to enter the new year.

big hearts

(Stacy and i trying to stay warm)
I am inspired by the beauty of generosity... there is something so special and unique about it. Generosity is one of those gifts that enters into your life, and makes you feel so inexplicably good. This is on my mind because of a recent trip my sister and I took to Ecuador. Aside from our quality and hard core sister bonding, we spent a lot of time with family and friends. The trip was beyond anything we could have dreamed up.

(Stacy, Jose, Jose, and Juan)

A high school friend of Stacy’s and the family (The Monges who I lived with 5 years ago) played a huge part these amazing two weeks. The Monge’s took Stacy and I everywhere from a party bus around town to the Amazon without thinking twice. We were given rides from one end of the city to the other, in and around town so we won’t have to pay the cab fare, or potentially get lost. Everyone selflessly gave of their time and energy to connect us with anyone they knew in the country, making sure we got to experience the richness of Ecuador.

(the car got stuck on the hill)

I am still in awe of the love I felt, and the long list of things we were able to pack into a short 12 day stay because of the gracious generosity. The days raced by and were not nearly long enough to squeeze in everything. However, regardless of the race against time, it did not diminish the value of each cherished moment we shared with our dear friends and family. And we did not leave in regret of what did or did not occur.

(a little girl in one of the native communities)

One of the great mysteries of life is how everything (a vague word, I know:) all comes together. This recent trip once again reminds me of how important it is to challenge ourselves and explore the unexpected, to trust ambiguity and to have faith in others, ourselves and in God. I absolutely love and find joy in the small reminders that cause us to shift our vision beyond our own immediate surroundings in the small radius of what we see and call “our world.” When we are able to look up and recognize the moments that allow us to be touched and to touch others. It is in these moments, I can feel life becoming so real, so alive that I can taste it. When this happens I stop and think to myself, how could life be any more beautiful.

let's let us just be, whatever it is we are

9 months ago I was in a damp basement apartment, trying not to panic. There I stood staring at my bed, which had been completely taken over by all my leftover stuff. Meanwhile my suitcase laid innocently on the ground, bulging with the weight of my belongings. I imagine the suitcase felt something like the feeling you get after a delicious Thanksgiving meal. When you are packed to the brim with food. And just when you think there is no way you could possibly eat any more, out comes the pie. Of course, you make the challenging decision of trying to squeeze just one more slice into your already aching stomach. That is how I felt as I purged many of my personal affects so they could be replaced with bits of Colombian culture. Not only were my bags overflowing, my mind was as well, with my hopes of my homecoming. I foresaw myself back in the states, with a few days to unpack and visit the cabin. Another week or so would be devoted to finding a job, and then my plan was to hit the ground running in order to visit every person and congregation who had helped me to accomplish my mission. Now, reflecting on this 9 months later, I agree, I was a bit crazy and was being a tad unrealistic.

Now as I gaze through the window, drifting in and out of reality on the way to work (FYI I'm not in the driver's seat), the logical part of me is saying that with the excitement of the new season, the changing colors, temperatures, and adventures I should not have quite so much time to get lost in my meandering thoughts. But the truth is, I do, and I love it. I love being able to have time to reflect, and allow myself to feel the beauty, joy and sadness that makes my time in Colombia feel so rich and uniquely my own. But I also love being right here where I am, in this moment with the memories of my past, the possibilities of my future enriching where I am in the present.

What I did not take into account was the overwhelming gratitude I felt for those of you who gifted me and my family with the loving words of encouragement, the donations of time, money, kind words, and hugs. I completely disregarded myself, and the time needed to process and recover. Time to be and to absorb what I had experienced. And to be present in the process. I didn't allow myself to experience this, to really live into what it was. I believe that sometimes we try too hard to protect ourselves from everything (This is something I am especially good at). When in fact we should be letting ourselves just be present with what we are experiencing. Not trying to hide feelings and emotions, but to acknowledge them for what they are.

Not crazy for wanting to share, to try and give back in anyway I felt I could. But rather for getting carried away with trying to predict where I should be which had absolutely no relation with where the reality would be. I was overflowing from my core, full of my passion and love for Colombia. Although this made it easy to have high expectations of what I thought I was capable of accomplishing, it did not allow me the time I needed to transition into where I was.