i changed my mind

Memorial weekend I was fortunate enough to attend the Krista Foundation for Global Citizens Conference. Each year I attend, I walk away with new insight and this years was this:

I have spent years trying to figure what I should do with my life. Should I go back to school? What is it that I really want to be doing? What type of job can I get that will be fulfilling and pay the bills? These are the questions that drive me absolutely mad because I have no clue how to answer them. I have never been able to, and probably never will. But, because people innocently ask these questions, I constantly try to find answers.

I hear what others share about what they are doing and I find myself in envy of them. It seems to me they are have found something that is in their element. I envy the fact that they have an element. It’s a bit silly, especially because those are all assumptions I perceive from my end. When really, I have no clue what dialogue they are having inside their minds. I need to stop approaching my life in this way.

At the conference, there were many young adults sharing their gifts with the communities they are apart of. Many of the people I talked to over the weekend mentioned they felt the work they were doing was inadequate compared to what others’ were doing. Even these incredible people felt like they were doing nothing, I was shocked! How ironic, the only way the Krista Foundation survives is by incredible people offering their gifts to others, and so many thought what they were doing was nothing, comparatively.

What is it that makes us so dense? How is it possible that any of us feel that way? Then I realized, often people who like to give, have the tendency to want to give as much as they can. It’s our drug of choice. We have not limits. If we are still standing, we want to give ourselves until we are a sobbing puddle on the the floor and have nothing left. What we try and give is never enough, because there is always a need. Somewhere. Anywhere, a need can be found.

While giving so much of ourselves, as with any drug, we can easily get lost in the world and forget about ourselves and our reality. The things we experience are a mixture of rich beauty tangled with a helpless pain. The experiences are invaluable, as there is always something learned. At times, we feel like we receive more than we give, this being one of the most humbling, and addicting experiences. But amidst all of this, what gets lost in giving and receiving, is honoring ourselves.

What does that even mean, honoring yourself? It means listening to that tiny little voice inside of you. What is it telling you? It whispers, especially for those of us who have chosen to be deaf to it for so long. It is there, it is quiet and we are afraid of what it might be telling us because it is telling us our own truth.

It lets us know there is a balance aching to be found. The balance of listening to the voice that tells us when we are doing too much, or not enough. Our inner voice knows when we are pushing ourselves beyond our limits. Regardless, if we are doing it for a “good cause” or because we let our egos get in the way, always wanting to do more. The voice lets us know when we are overextending ourselves, depleting our energy or being a bum and not giving our best to what we are doing.

When you don’t do your best, judgment and self-doubt become rampant. When you do your best, you can feel it. It should not matter what others expect of you, because doing your best right now is all you can do. You do what you know you can and you are the best judge of that. In learning listen to yourself and do best, you honor and respect yourself, and in turn you learn to do the same for others, and for God. Finding this balance makes you feel alive and fulfilled and everyone one around you benefits.

This is so important in any work you do, anywhere you are. This may come across as selfish, and it is. It is the ultimate form of selfless, selfishness. Without it we cannot fully give ourselves to others. Until we learn to honor ourselves, we will carry on running up the slippery slope of exhaustion, discontent and comparison.

So, to make a long story a little longer, on my way back up to Alaska, I realized at this conference was the first time I felt really good about the transition I am in. I may not be going out and doing great acts of service, but I am learning about honoring myself. I am learning to listen to my Audra voice. And if it weren’t for me moving to Alaska, living in the basement of my friends parents house, working as a barista and bartender, being surrounding by pure and endless beauty, I would not have been able to take the time to connect with myself.