novices welcome

This morning I woke up entirely aware in of every muscle in my body from the neck down. My day carried on with no real excitement. I had just finished studying when I heard the thunder crack! I could not see the rain falling outside since there are no great windows in my studio. So, I fixed my gaze on the skylight to watch the raindrops collect and roll down the window, feeling the dreariness. Barely able to stand up, I forfeited any hope I had to take a ride on the trail. No way did I think I was capable of getting my leg over the center bike bar, and riding in the rain didn’t sound all that thrilling anyway.  

After doing a few chores I decided I’d had enough of being a downer and bundled up in my rain gear and got on the bike. Aside from dodging a slug here and there, biking was literally the breath of fresh air I needed to walk out on my pity party.  Biking in the rain felt exhilarating. Maybe it was the freedom from my own mind or the warm fall air.  

I am still flying between the trapeze bars of transition. I am settled in nicely. Wednesday I saw a flyer for the college rowing team (novices welcome) so I joined (hence the sore muscles) and I have been applying for jobs, studying and learning, but that space in between the letting go of one trapeze bar to catch another is hit hard today. Dwelling in it did absolutely no good, so I decided to force my leg over the bike bar and pedal. To my surprise it was easier than I imagined.

That’s how most things seem to be going here, building things up in my mind to be bigger than they really are. When I actually do whatever it is, it is not nearly as “big or bad” as I imagine it to be. Remembering to remember this is what I’ll be working on this week! 

audra's pep talk to audra

I suppose I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with so many new things. These feelings take me back to the beginning of each move I have made over the past 10 years. College, Ecuador, Colombia, Alaska, Victoria and all of the places I bounced around in between. Then, I think of all the wonderful people I met and how much I've fallen in love with each place. I know I will do okay, it is keeping the nervous, insecure and wondering what I am doing here feelings at bay. On the other-hand, I am excited for the challenge and the possibilities. I am a grown woman AND I know I can do this. I don't need to resort to those old feelings. I am going to shift brain gears and try a different approach. Not one of fear but one of excitement and curiosity. In the meantime, I am going to try to NOT give into the temptation to buy every gluten free product I see. So, raise your glasses up and let's have a cheers to running straight into the unknown!

moving onward...

Here I am smack dab in the middle of another transition.  I took a flying leap from Alaska to Victoria, BC. Although, I landed on my feet in Victoria, my stomach feels like I am still flying through the air somewhere in between Victoria and Kasilof. 

Leaving Alaska happened in a blur. My parents came up for my last week, and helped me pack instead of panic. I get quite sentimental leaving a place that it can make it a little difficult to move on to the next location. I’ve done it enough, one would think it gets easier, but it doesn’t. Just writing about Alaska is pulling on the strings of nostalgia.

Deep breath. On to Victoria, BC. Why am I here? Good question. I am taking a step forward, in a direction.  Which direction? That is what I am here for. I figure any direction is better than being stagnant even though it was a difficult decision to leave my “dream life" in Alaska. Back to direction, I am taking pre requisites for Physiotherapy. I am trying to find a line of work that suits my interest in the human body and pays a little more than minimum wage.

I don’t have a river running through my front yard, the neighborhood moose to contend with, or a beach filled with agates waiting for me to find them as the sun sets. However, I do have designated bike lanes, free run eggs and chop shops, fruit flies and tons of locally grown organic food options. Only having been here for a week, I can already tell I will like it. Why just today I rode downtown and had to make more than a few stops to gorge on the blackberry lined bike trail.

Who knows what this adventure will bring, if I don’t succeed in what I’d hoped to do, it won’t be a failed endeavor. I will still be moving forward and onto the next direction. And more than anything I like learning and I’ll be doing that no matter what!

the raven

Tap, tap, tap. What is that sound? Knock, knock, knock. I lift my sleepy head to see Jinx frozen, peering over the edge of the loft. Tap, tap, tap. Okay, okay I’m coming. After stumbling down the ladder, I make it to the front door. Jinx leaps to the fridge, fixated on something outside. Strange, I do not see anyone at the door. Knock, knock, knock. Looking toward the noise, I see the culprit; a raven pecking at the frozen fish on my doorstep! I chuckle. Oh well, at least I am up early, thanks Mr. Raven.

All the things I hope to achieve today begin surfacing. I debate hiding under my blanket on the couch for a little nap, when my eyes shift to the sky. Wow! I grab my camera, bundle up and head to the river’s edge. The colors and texture of the sunrise were stunning and standing there in the chilly morning, with the sounds of nature took my breath away. 

Walking back to my cabin, I thought about how much I love this. I love living in my cabin, on the raging Kasilof River. Working at the café, and meeting new people has been a blast. I’ve uncomplicated my mind a bit and stopped stressing about useless things. I am learning how to not dwell on my mistakes and be so quick forget my successes. I quit setting high and unrealistic standards for myself based on what I observed other people doing. 

I love that I did not know that spruce trees, as cute and spindly as they are do not make great Christmas trees. Or that one day it is 20 below and the thought of walking outside without my parka, gloves, and boots to pre-start my car burns my skin. Then just days later snow is pouring over my boot tops, and I am sweating from shoveling two feet of snow to make way to my car because it is Christmas and I have places to be.

I love how proud I was that I did not fall on the glare ice that sits between where I park my car and my cabin door because it’s been raining for almost two weeks, and rain freezes when it falls on snow and makes ice. And then today it snowed covering up the ice and I did fall, three times, flat on my back.

I miss my family and friends, doing ski patrol on Wednesday’s, baby sitting and driving around Spokane in the '72 super beetle. I wish I could share with everyone how cute my cat is when she plays fetch or jumps to my shoulder to hang out. Or if I say, "hey dude! what’s goin' on?" she replies with a  meow. 

I wish I could bring you all into these incredible moments I experience. But that is how life is, I suppose. We each experience life, sometimes with ones we care about and sometimes we just have to suck it up, experience them and try to find ways of sharing.

a night time story

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Driving home from Soldotna Friday night I was fiddling with the radio, trying to expand my music repertoire beyond my favorite playlist titled, “recently added songs that I like.” I went through a variety of stations, hip hop, classic country, Russian, oldies but was having difficultly finding something that fit my mood. I slowly forgot about the music, wandering into my thoughts and the starry sky.

The drive to Kasilof was nice with so few lights, the crisp pitch-black night and a sky doused in vibrant silver flecks of light. As much as I admire the moon, it was nice to see the full brightness of the stars shining, with out interruption. I was in awe of nature once again, trying to figure out a way to capture everything that moment encompassed. All of a sudden, something in the east caught my eye, distracting me from my thoughts. There is not usually light in that direction, as Soldotna was north of me. Then my heart started racing as I realized what it might be. I immediately pulled over, turned the car off and stepped outside to get a better look. And there they were dancing above me, the northern lights!  I don’t know how long I stood there in awe of natures light display. This is not the first time I’ve seen them, but I was giddy as all could be.

Sometimes I wonder why I am so madly, and undeniably in love with nature. How it is one of the few things that gets my heart racing, and also makes me feel so serene, inspired and simply grateful. I often stare out the window at work longing to be on the beach watching the sky painting itself with the colors of the setting sun. Or on the mornings when I drive through the magical mist, trying to imagine anything more beautiful. Nature is so pure. Every minute of every hour of every day, nature does what she’s intended to do, her very best. It reminds me of this quote: The sun, with all those planets revolving around it, and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes like it has nothing else in the universe to do:: Galileo.