let's let us just be, whatever it is we are

9 months ago I was in a damp basement apartment, trying not to panic. There I stood staring at my bed, which had been completely taken over by all my leftover stuff. Meanwhile my suitcase laid innocently on the ground, bulging with the weight of my belongings. I imagine the suitcase felt something like the feeling you get after a delicious Thanksgiving meal. When you are packed to the brim with food. And just when you think there is no way you could possibly eat any more, out comes the pie. Of course, you make the challenging decision of trying to squeeze just one more slice into your already aching stomach. That is how I felt as I purged many of my personal affects so they could be replaced with bits of Colombian culture. Not only were my bags overflowing, my mind was as well, with my hopes of my homecoming. I foresaw myself back in the states, with a few days to unpack and visit the cabin. Another week or so would be devoted to finding a job, and then my plan was to hit the ground running in order to visit every person and congregation who had helped me to accomplish my mission. Now, reflecting on this 9 months later, I agree, I was a bit crazy and was being a tad unrealistic.

Now as I gaze through the window, drifting in and out of reality on the way to work (FYI I'm not in the driver's seat), the logical part of me is saying that with the excitement of the new season, the changing colors, temperatures, and adventures I should not have quite so much time to get lost in my meandering thoughts. But the truth is, I do, and I love it. I love being able to have time to reflect, and allow myself to feel the beauty, joy and sadness that makes my time in Colombia feel so rich and uniquely my own. But I also love being right here where I am, in this moment with the memories of my past, the possibilities of my future enriching where I am in the present.

What I did not take into account was the overwhelming gratitude I felt for those of you who gifted me and my family with the loving words of encouragement, the donations of time, money, kind words, and hugs. I completely disregarded myself, and the time needed to process and recover. Time to be and to absorb what I had experienced. And to be present in the process. I didn't allow myself to experience this, to really live into what it was. I believe that sometimes we try too hard to protect ourselves from everything (This is something I am especially good at). When in fact we should be letting ourselves just be present with what we are experiencing. Not trying to hide feelings and emotions, but to acknowledge them for what they are.

Not crazy for wanting to share, to try and give back in anyway I felt I could. But rather for getting carried away with trying to predict where I should be which had absolutely no relation with where the reality would be. I was overflowing from my core, full of my passion and love for Colombia. Although this made it easy to have high expectations of what I thought I was capable of accomplishing, it did not allow me the time I needed to transition into where I was.