cat.

Moving to Sorrento, BC I could hardly wait to live in a camping trailer. Simplicity? Adventure? Twinkle lights? Warm summer nights? Absolutely! The trailer was not quite ready upon my arrival, so for the past month Jinx and I have been living on the second level of an old house, in a shared living situation. The rooms sit above a few offices, and a conference room.

Not long after we settled in a couple of the teenagers working for the summer arrived. Company was nice, and socializing timid Jinx was fun. Throughout the day I would hear little comments and exclamations such as, "cat! get out of my room!" or, "ugh, CAT outta my way!" Usually, this was followed by Jinx making a mad dash, sliding across the hardwood floors back into my bedroom.

Jinx was going a little stir crazy being locked inside. She was used to wandering the streets of Victoria, or mouse hunting the woods of Alaska. Dodging feet and playing with pine beetles was the most she could do to entertain herself. So, Thursday when we finally made the much anticipated move to the trailer she could hardly wait to explore the great outdoors.

The morning I let her outside I propped the trailer door open so she knew she was welcome back inside. I was half focused on studying when the sound of her bell (a requirement to warn birds) was rapidly growing louder. This meant one of two things:

1. A bear, wolf, or some creature was chasing her and she needed to be rescued ASAP 

OR

2. She caught a mouse. The mouse was still alive. She wanted to play with the mouse in the trailer.

Looking up, into her eager and proud face, I saw the plump rodent in her mouth and knew she had no plan to stop at the doorstep. Scrambling to get to the door before Jinx was not an easy feat, but I managed just in the nick time. The cat sat on the front step for a few minutes before realizing entering was not an option, so under the trailer she went.

After a few minutes curiosity got the better of me. I opened the door to see what she was up to only to see her bounding toward me once again, with another mouse. Slam! I shut the door and stared through the screen. A minute later she had another!

I am kind of proud. 

date night.

Imagine the sound of rain pounding on glass. The cadence varies from harder, slower, louder, softer. All day it has been like this. When my window is open, I can hear the cars, buses and trucks driving by, splashing, as tires speed through the puddles. Today the rain is comforting, and cozy. Not ideal for a date night, but conveniently the plan is dinner and a movie.

I have a few errands to run before date night. I try to not worry about time, but the library closes in an hour. The bus ride takes 30 minutes. Will that be enough time? If indecision does not linger, I will be fine. 12 minutes before the next bus. Dressed and ready to face the inclement weather, what was I to do with these next twelve minutes? Surely, I did not want head out early to stand in the rain. I wandered to the bathroom.

Standing in front of the mirror, looking at myself, I think, 'why not do something out of the ordinary tonight, it is date night after all.' With rowing back in full swing, I rarely find motivation to fancy myself up. I tidy my hair, add some mascara to my lashes and a touch of gold to the corners of my eyes (in hopes they will magically turn green).  

I catch the bus and make it in in time to the library. I take my time picking out a few movies, mostly light hearted romantic comedies. These are my go to's when life or my thoughts become a little too intense. The movies are my way reminder to not take life or myself so seriously. Good for lightening my mood.

Once my errands were finished I found myself in the darkness avoiding the rain under the overhang at 7 Eleven. Out of the corner of my almost green eye I see a shadow round the corner, walking towards me. Looking up with mild interest, a young lady with an umbrella and glasses checks the bus schedule, she faces me and causally says,

"I hope you haven't been standing there long. It sure is raining hard. I guess that is a sign I shouldn't get dinner at the Vietnamese restaurant by my house. I don't want to walk in the rain. Do you think stew that has been in the fridge for 6 days would still be okay to eat?" It is rare someone speaks to me at the bus stop, so I welcome the conversation, "I would do the smell check if I were you. If it smells bad go to the Vietnamese place. You could take yourself on a date!"

The friendly stranger, looks at me oddly, and takes a moment to think before saying, "well, if the meat smells bad I can pick it out and just eat the veggies. Veggies will probably still be good. Don't ya think?" With no prompting she talks about her interest in Queen Elizabeth, Henry the VIII and them being a part of her evening plans. "What are you doing tonight?" She inquires.

"I am going to make myself stuffed squash, strawberry rhubarb crisp, pour myself a glass of wine and watch a movie." I pause unsure if I should continue, "I am having a date with myself tonight." I smiled as the bright lights of the bus illuminated the stop.

i like airports

2013 and I got along well, and the year that has just arrived is off to a good start. This year, I am not making goals or resolutions because usually, within 2 weeks I've lost motivation and by the third week, the excitement is has faded and life continues on. With that in mind I decided to continue to be intentional about my "feel good" awareness and incorporating it into my days. I created a list of nouns, verbs and adjectives that I can look back on when those low moments arrive and I can re-inspire, remember or reclaim myself. Here are my top ten, in no particular order:

1. Airports, are exciting. They take me to new, unknown places and get me back home. In an airport, I take time to simply sit down and enjoy. 

2. Pen and paper. For drawing or writing. In my journal, I get to gush and be completely honest; a great place to sort through the clutter of the mind and escape into the possible. With drawing, I get to completely focus on the present. With handwritten letters I connect with those at a distance.

3. Jinx. The softest, cutest, and coolest cat in town.

4. Loneliness. In my life, right now, I am faced with loneliness which is much more intimidating in my minds construct of fearing it than the actuality living it. Once I dealt with the fear behind it I have found although, I am lonely this time has also allowed for unabashed creativity, fleeting independence and a romantic peace.  

5. Family and friends. Endless love, support and awesome memories. 

6. New experiences. Joining the rowing team. Finding an awesome new tune or exploring parts of town I have not been too. The new and unexpected are some of my favorites.

7. Hot Chocolate. To boiling water I add: a pinch of pink Himalayan sea salt, a heaping spoon full of quality cocoa powder, a few dollops of canned coconut milk, and either a glob of honey or evaporated cane sugar. This is my ultimate, rainy day pick me up.  

8. Big, beautiful mountains.  Skiing down, hiking up, or staring at them. Nothing beats the feeling of being completely in awe, at the jaw dropping and heart pounding grandeur of big, beautiful mountains.

9. Red Zinfandel. Bold, sexy and full of character, a perfect compliment for the candle lit date nights with myself.

10. Bacon and avocados. Together or separate. For breakfast, lunch, dinner or anytime in between. 

life

I am wondering how do we live a full life when we are exposed to so little in our tiny worlds? We strive the best we can to understand to some varying degree of the ripple effect. The world around us, the people, the ideas and philosophies of ourselves and others. Where are the boundaries of living up to what our expectations are or what others have placed on us? We are all passionate about something, and when passion arises in us it drives us to take action. It is impossible to let is fester. But we must be cautious and not let our passions take such strong hold of us that we forget to be aware that we are not the only being with a passion.

not all who wander are lost

Lately, I have been discovering A LOT of, "this is definitely what I do not want to be doing with my life" thinking. As valuable as it is to know what does not work for oneself, I began to wonder if I was ever going to figure out what did work? I have the pieces but the puzzle still was not fitting together how I thought it should. This all came to a head last week, the night before my biology midterm. It is not easy to study genetics when you are working through a life crisis!

The past 5 years I have been diving into a state of cerebral madness, attempting to figure out my life. Often I had a new idea or I was inspired by what someone else was doing, but nothing seemed to stick. The past month this madness intensified. This was it, time to quit messing around and make a decision. I made appointments with the career counselor, created lists of career options, weighed the pros and cons of each, the length of the program, job satisfaction, salary, were these jobs location specific, etc... I contacted schools, and programs, interviewed people and read books. Pure madness I tell you!

Amongst this fury, sitting down to study for my biology midterm was nothing short of painful. When I don't know what else to do, I bake. So it began. Researching recipes and attempting to push away thoughts of "I should be studying." At that point I was too far gone to retain information on Mendel's law of assortment anyway. Beet cake it is! No sooner had I turned on the oven, the phone rang.

"Hi," a friendly voice said on the line. After the 'hellos and how do you do's,' we got to the good stuff. I expressed my distress over figuring out what to do with my life, and the response was, "I go to the school of life!" Followed by an explanation of what has worked best for them- having jobs that gave them skills they enjoyed doing and that could be applied to life. Working on vehicles, fishing, construction, etc... Hearing about this approach planted a seed. The conversation was finished by a simple, make the cake. Click.

Okay, I had two choices, study or make a cake. At that moment I decided I was going to make the cake, and I was going to do it guilt free. So I did. I spent the rest of the evening a crafting a marvellously, delicious beet cake. I was happy with the process, and the results.

Moral of the story... Following my intuition rather than tradition has been my rock. My intuition is where I find the faith that guides me. I became so consumed with the tradition, and practicality of a job, I lost my grounding. My fear of 'failure' worked itself into unexpected places where I did not want it to be. I am learning as I go along to catch these fears before they take over. I am once again humbled, being reminded I am not alone.