i like airports

2013 and I got along well, and the year that has just arrived is off to a good start. This year, I am not making goals or resolutions because usually, within 2 weeks I've lost motivation and by the third week, the excitement is has faded and life continues on. With that in mind I decided to continue to be intentional about my "feel good" awareness and incorporating it into my days. I created a list of nouns, verbs and adjectives that I can look back on when those low moments arrive and I can re-inspire, remember or reclaim myself. Here are my top ten, in no particular order:

1. Airports, are exciting. They take me to new, unknown places and get me back home. In an airport, I take time to simply sit down and enjoy. 

2. Pen and paper. For drawing or writing. In my journal, I get to gush and be completely honest; a great place to sort through the clutter of the mind and escape into the possible. With drawing, I get to completely focus on the present. With handwritten letters I connect with those at a distance.

3. Jinx. The softest, cutest, and coolest cat in town.

4. Loneliness. In my life, right now, I am faced with loneliness which is much more intimidating in my minds construct of fearing it than the actuality living it. Once I dealt with the fear behind it I have found although, I am lonely this time has also allowed for unabashed creativity, fleeting independence and a romantic peace.  

5. Family and friends. Endless love, support and awesome memories. 

6. New experiences. Joining the rowing team. Finding an awesome new tune or exploring parts of town I have not been too. The new and unexpected are some of my favorites.

7. Hot Chocolate. To boiling water I add: a pinch of pink Himalayan sea salt, a heaping spoon full of quality cocoa powder, a few dollops of canned coconut milk, and either a glob of honey or evaporated cane sugar. This is my ultimate, rainy day pick me up.  

8. Big, beautiful mountains.  Skiing down, hiking up, or staring at them. Nothing beats the feeling of being completely in awe, at the jaw dropping and heart pounding grandeur of big, beautiful mountains.

9. Red Zinfandel. Bold, sexy and full of character, a perfect compliment for the candle lit date nights with myself.

10. Bacon and avocados. Together or separate. For breakfast, lunch, dinner or anytime in between. 

life

I am wondering how do we live a full life when we are exposed to so little in our tiny worlds? We strive the best we can to understand to some varying degree of the ripple effect. The world around us, the people, the ideas and philosophies of ourselves and others. Where are the boundaries of living up to what our expectations are or what others have placed on us? We are all passionate about something, and when passion arises in us it drives us to take action. It is impossible to let is fester. But we must be cautious and not let our passions take such strong hold of us that we forget to be aware that we are not the only being with a passion.

not all who wander are lost

Lately, I have been discovering A LOT of, "this is definitely what I do not want to be doing with my life" thinking. As valuable as it is to know what does not work for oneself, I began to wonder if I was ever going to figure out what did work? I have the pieces but the puzzle still was not fitting together how I thought it should. This all came to a head last week, the night before my biology midterm. It is not easy to study genetics when you are working through a life crisis!

The past 5 years I have been diving into a state of cerebral madness, attempting to figure out my life. Often I had a new idea or I was inspired by what someone else was doing, but nothing seemed to stick. The past month this madness intensified. This was it, time to quit messing around and make a decision. I made appointments with the career counselor, created lists of career options, weighed the pros and cons of each, the length of the program, job satisfaction, salary, were these jobs location specific, etc... I contacted schools, and programs, interviewed people and read books. Pure madness I tell you!

Amongst this fury, sitting down to study for my biology midterm was nothing short of painful. When I don't know what else to do, I bake. So it began. Researching recipes and attempting to push away thoughts of "I should be studying." At that point I was too far gone to retain information on Mendel's law of assortment anyway. Beet cake it is! No sooner had I turned on the oven, the phone rang.

"Hi," a friendly voice said on the line. After the 'hellos and how do you do's,' we got to the good stuff. I expressed my distress over figuring out what to do with my life, and the response was, "I go to the school of life!" Followed by an explanation of what has worked best for them- having jobs that gave them skills they enjoyed doing and that could be applied to life. Working on vehicles, fishing, construction, etc... Hearing about this approach planted a seed. The conversation was finished by a simple, make the cake. Click.

Okay, I had two choices, study or make a cake. At that moment I decided I was going to make the cake, and I was going to do it guilt free. So I did. I spent the rest of the evening a crafting a marvellously, delicious beet cake. I was happy with the process, and the results.

Moral of the story... Following my intuition rather than tradition has been my rock. My intuition is where I find the faith that guides me. I became so consumed with the tradition, and practicality of a job, I lost my grounding. My fear of 'failure' worked itself into unexpected places where I did not want it to be. I am learning as I go along to catch these fears before they take over. I am once again humbled, being reminded I am not alone.

 

smelling the roses

The past week has been beautifully sunny and clear. The clear skies generally mean chilled mornings at the lake, but I love it nonetheless. The sun highlights the vibrant colors of fall and makes stunning a appearance on the rise. Some mornings, I cannot help bursting out in amazement, "Look how pretty it is!" My voice echos across the lake, and we keep on rowing.  

For awhile, uncertainty terrorized my thoughts about being in Victoria. Now, that I am making friends on the rowing team, talking with professionals about career options, and exploring more of the city and bike paths, I feel more settled. Finally, I stopped waking up confused and wondering where where I was. And little Jinx is taking the move well. She loves sprinting along the rafters of the studio, and finding all the new smells and curious things outside.

The first few weeks of school I was biking everywhere. I felt cool on my new bike, dodging parked cars and pedestrians. Usually by the time I arrived anywhere sweat was dripping and I was smelly. I began to notice how intent I had become on going as hard and fast as my body will allow. So focused in fact, that I failed to notice the path I was actually on, which is absolutely gorgeous. The most recent trail I have been enjoying has a tree tunnel lined traveling over a lake, by a school, homes, many pastures and farm land. With the lush vegetation, and the birds singing, it feels as though I wandered into some secret garden. Who would want to opt out on an experience like that?

When I forget to take time to smell the roses, I fail to notice the world around me as I focus so intently on a destination. If I take even just a few seconds to appreciate a moment, usually I see the beauty around me, it can be found anywhere. Plus, arriving at the destination is much more pleasant. With this in mind, I decided that while out and about, I will take time to stop and smell the roses. And the fact of the matter is, it really does work! Last night as I was on my way to the market, I turned the corner and saw the delicate, almost full moon hanging low, just above the tree line. I exclaimed out loud, "Is that for real?!" Soon enough, I may find a more graceful way of expression, but for the time being, this is how it goes.

seasons

Oh how I have a deep and profound love of fall. Today is gorgeous with the bright sun, the blue sky and the faint ripple of white clouds floating in the sky. This is an surprisingly nice day for fall in Victoria. Sitting in the cafe with the sun beating through the cracked window makes it feels like summer is back, but the world outside begs to differ. The trees are yellowing, some have turned to the vibrant fall red, and crispy leaves are beginning to litter the sidewalks and streets. Lately, as I roll out of bed for practice, the crispy air has been bone chilling and lingers throughout the day. Today is different.

Practice begins at 5:30 am. The weather varies from cold, wet, foggy, windy, or calm and clear. Just waking up so early to enter the various elements is the first challenge to overcome. Getting onto the water and getting everyone's mind and body to wake up and row is the second. Then, pushing ourselves to row harder and faster, or longer than we thought we could is the third. There are times when I feel like giving up, someone is there to encourage me to make it to the end. To keep pushing ourselves beyond what we thought we could. Together we are stronger, and we can do it.

School is plugging along and making me wonder why I agreed to the crazy thoughts that brought me here. Studying is getting easier the less I resist it. Understanding the material is opening up an exciting and curious part of my mind. And, it is really bringing my awareness to the skills that come easily to me and the ones that I struggle with. 

Not only am I pushing myself mentally, I am physically challenging myself. Joining the rowing team on a whim was an excellent decision. Realizing how incredible I feel being active and remembering that I can push myself further than I think I can go carries over into school and life.

I admire the dedicated and hardworking people that put so much of themselves into what they do. We are all so capable of being incredible, and when we open ourselves up to receiving that, our worlds change.