finding my balance

My mind and heart have recently been weighted down with thoughts and questions as my relationships with my Colombian friends deepen and the children begin opening up. I wonder about how far would I go, what would I do in their situation, especially with such limited options and/or resources. Would you lie to save your child’s life, or your spouse’s life? To what extremes would you go to keep your child out of the war with a 70% mortality rate? How would you react when you find out it is a well know fact that a child is being beaten? How far do you jump into life and relationships when you know you will be leaving? All the way, or do you hold back for the sake of someone else? Does that defeat the purpose of what we make life out to be? How would you deal with racism that has been deeply embedded in a culture for hundreds of years? What do you do when you know fear is the cause of injustices that occur? How much...

These questions I don’t have the answers to and maybe I don't want the answers and just thinking about them is enough. But I often go back and forth between what I would do in a similar situation or if there is something more I should be doing right now with my time here. I know realistically being here, loving and listening is sufficient but I want to do more. It is difficult and heart breaking to know that I want to do so much more; to completely give all of myself, all of my resources and energy but not knowing or seeing how to, not wanting to do more damage than good.

When I say not wanting to do more damage than good, it is because I have heard so many stories about do-gooders coming in from other cultures to try and ‘help’. Changing and helping, and hurting. Unfortunately, as wonderful and kind-hearted as we can be, we can also do a lot damage by coming in with ideas and money from our own cultures about what the standard of life should be and how to achieve that. (don't get me wrong I am not completely in disagreement with helping and aiding those who are less fortunate, we just need to be very careful in how we do this and how we use our good intentions). When we begin comparing our lives to the lives of others, coming in, trying to "fix/improve lives," when we begin thinking about what makes our lives comfortable and that others deserve this also. Each life is so unique, and life is relative to the person living it, the cultures in which it is lived, so that comparing becomes destructive.

the sun.

It is sunny today. It is so wonderful to see the sun after so many days of rain. Rain is wonderful and cleansing. I enjoy the cozy feeling it inspires, the repose that comes over me. Just as I love the sun, it lightens the soul and warms the spirit. It may just be my imagination but everyone seems a bit cheerier in the office today. I claim it is the sun, the surplus of vitamin D, you just cannot help but feel good.

just love, thats all for today.

Laura-Catherine and I were just about to head out to catch our bus Tuesday evening, after an exhausting day of playing with the kids at the mission, when a sudden downpour delayed our departure. Not thinking to grab our rain jackets before heading out that morning left us sitting in the office with Padre Jose to wait out the storm. My first thought was I am tired, I just want to start the 1 1/2-bus ride home, but two minutes into our conversation my inspiration picked up and I was ready to talk for hours about all of the possibilities and potential with the mission.

Padre Jose shared about the challenging lives of the children, the economic and social situation of the neighborhood and how much love and touch the children lack in their lives. When the children's parents arrive home after working all day, they are either too tired, to drunk or abusive to give these children the love they need. These children just want to be loved and held, to learn and to play. Watching them interact with one another and with us, seeing and feeling the family the after school program at the mission has created makes you realize how important family and friends are, and how important it is to love.

I spent the bus ride sorting through my surplus of thoughts and memories of my first visit to the mission back in September. Padre Jose came to pick me up to spend a day with him at the mission. The city whizzed by and I tried with difficulty to understand what he was explaining to me about the children I would be working with, the mission, the city and something about a very happy church service with singing.

After what felt like an eternity of creeping up the hill in the little twingo car we arrived at the mission; located pretty deep into the south of the city, on the steep Andean mountainside where the weather is harsher and the view of Bogota is spectacular. The buildings are crumbling and tightly packed in, potholes are the size of small ponds and any open terrain is littered with trash and stray dogs.

Meeting with the kids that afternoon blew me away. They asked questions about my family, hot water, what my life was like, if I arrived on a plane and when I would be coming back. I understood about every fifth word they said, and had to try and decipher the words I did understand between their giggling fits. We played soccer in the street and I fell in love.

Some days I don't feel as if I have the energy to teach, to try and come up with ideas that will help the kids to focus, fighting my own thoughts of how much the children should learn, how much progress they are making or if they are even getting what we are teaching, but the moment the door opens to the church and we are bombarded with open arms and smiles from the kids, all of these anxieties melt away. Just being there and loving these kids is enough.